Friday night, while I was pimping, everyone else was busy being a shitshow. It was definitely a Blackout Night, only I didn't participate.
Lauren and I started out our night pretty early at the Zeta Psi grab-a-date at Cstone. One of Lauren's friends had brought us along as extra girls for brothers who needed dates, only we ended up never getting assigned dates. Which was okay because we just chilled in a corner with one of the pledges and exchanged crazy sex stories:
Zeta Psi Pledge: ...so then I threw her out the window...
Me: ...I got to play with his gun...
Lauren: ...well there was this one time on the bike rack...
We were sitting in a alcove by the pool tables, and right across from us there were two adult women playing pool. When I say "adult," these women were definitely in their 30's and WAY too old to be in a college bar where 75% of the patrons are barely old enough to buy cigarettes. One woman was skinny and wearing a green shirt, the other was chubby and wearing a white shirt. As we were watching them, this guy (our age) came up and started macking. He was putting his arm around them, whispering in their ears, kissing their cheeks. And the women were totally preening and eating it up. It was like a car wreck: gross, but you can't look away. So we just sat there watching the show, clapping and cheering when Green Shirt started making out with Underage Dude.
We were also trying to figure out if Underage Dude was one of the Zeta Psi brothers. Pledge hadn't been in the frat long enough to know everyone, and didn't recognize him. I thought I recognized him because I used to go their parties a lot last fall. If he was the guy I thought he was, I had definitely made out with him. But I mean, that was a long time ago and frat guys kinda all look the same.
Pledge got up to go get a drink, leaving me and Lauren sitting there. He's gone two minutes and Green Shirt comes over and plops down because she thinks she's good enough to talk to us:
Green Shirt: "You were staring at me and my friend!! Why were you looking at us?"
Me: "Oh, we were just trying to figure out if that guy was in the frat we're with."
Green Shirt: "But my friend said that you were looking at her and laughing!?"
Me: "Oh...well...we don't usually see old--"
Green Shirt: "--DID YOU JUST CALL ME OLD??"
Then she got up and flounced off. If she had stuck around I would have definitely gotten into it with her. Because you know what lady? You ARE old. You're way too old to be here. This is a college bar in a college town. Why would you drive out of your way to hang out with college kids? Go. The Fuck. Home.
After that I chatted with some Army ROTC guys for half a sec, which just confirmed my belief that hot guys join the Marines. Or the Navy. Or any branch of the military besides ROTC.
Cstone was getting boring, since it was way too early for anyone to be there. So I left and went to Mtz and Caitlin's, where everyone was pretty drunk and getting progressively drunker.
I'm skipping Turtle because it wasn't that exciting. Mtz fell down a lot. Caitlin made out with a black guy outside. Kim was blacked out so I sent her home.
The most interesting part of my night was getting Cam home. First, she insisted on going to 7-11 to get tacquitos. This proved a challenge because she wanted to make conversation with every single black guy we passed. For example:
Random Black Guy: "Yo girl, wha'chu doin' tonight?"
Cam: "I'M GETTING IT IN!!"
As you can imagine, she made a lot of friends this way.
Caitlin came and met us and bought a Black&Mild and stole a Reeses cup. Now I had to figure out what to do about Cam. I basically had two choices:
Option 1: Take her home myself. This would be about as easy as herding cats. Drunk cats.
Option 2: Call Cam's wigga FWB, Aaron.
Option 2 would be a lot easier for me personally. It would also fulfill Cam's goal of getting it in. Also remember I am a pimp. So I called Aaron and told him to come get her. While we were sitting on the rail waiting for him, Cam continued fulfilling her goal of befriending every sketchy-ass black guy in the vicinity:
Random Black Guy: "Yo you girls got boyfriends?"
Caitlin: "Yes, yes we do, and we're waiting for them right now."
Cam: "NO WE DON'T WE'RE LESBIANS!"
...now that's a good way to get guys to leave you alone. Not.
Finally Aaron arrived and I immediately dragged him over as evidence that Cam did indeed have a "boyfriend" and was not a rug muncher struck with jungle fever. Before I left I made sure that Aaron was indeed going to take Cam home with him:
Me: "Look, I'm either taking her or you are. Do you understand? If I leave now then you MUST take her home with you. If you let her wander off I will find you and shoot you."
Aaron: "Yo yo yo I got it."
Anyway everything worked out fine and I took the bus home and got into bed and ate cheesy bread.
* * * * * *
There is a moral to this story and it is: do not eat cheesy bread drunk in bed. It is very unhealthy and bad for you and you will get crumbs on your sheets and you will have to prematurely change them, which will remind you that you haven't had sex in your bed since the last time you changed them because you're too busy having sex in cars . And stuff.
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