The Cop Stories

Well the good news is I have my voice back. The bad news is that I'm still sick. Since I probably won't have any adventures for awhile, I'm going to put in a few throwbacks.

COP STORY #1

Back last fall I got mixed up in a bogus rape case. The girl across the hall cried rape on what was essentially consensual drunk sex. It's hard to blame her because she was so upset and miserable; it was just a really bad situation for everyone, including me, who had to ride with her in the cop car to the hospital and spend the day in the Sexual Assault Center.

Anyway, about five months later I'm at the bar, when a guy taps me on the shoulder and asks, "Hey, didn't I help out your friend awhile ago?" It took me a second to recognize me, but then I realized, "Oh, hey, you're that cop!"




He was the cop that showed up when we had called campus police, a cute guy only about 26 years old. As he was driving us to the hospital after the incident, he blared 99.5, talked on aim on the in-car laptop, and added us both on facebook. It was totally not what I had expected from a police officer, and just added to the surreality of the experience.

"So what are you doing at a college bar?"

"I'm friends with one of the bar tenders and he gets me free drinks," Cop explained.

"Umm can he get me free drinks??"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"KAMIKAZES!"

Kamikazes are SO good and they're one of my favorite drinks, but they're only like half a shot each so I only drink them when guys buy them for me.

So I had me some kamikazes, and then it was a little awkward because I wasn't sure if he was buying me drinks to be nice, or he actually wanted to dance. At this point I was fiending a dance because he was pretty cute and, hello, cops are sexy and they have cool toys.

Well, we started to dance and Cop was a REALLY good dancer. Later I found out that he had lived in Germany for a year and I don't know if Germans just have really bangin' moves, but he was easily the best person I've ever danced with.

After the bar closed down it was raining so he offered to drive me home. I was hoping I'd get to ride in a police car, but no luck, just an SUV. He parked outside my dorm and we sat in the car and talked for literally 90 minutes about random shit. And made out for awhile. But the best part was I GOT TO PLAY WITH HIS GUN! I've never held a gun before or even seen one up close and seriously it was so cool. I mean, obviously he took the bullets out because who the hell would give me a loaded weapon, but still. And then he offered to take me to a shooting range, and I got super-excited because the only thing better than holding a gun is shooting one.

I finally went up to my dorm around 4:30 a.m. all pumped up about getting to shoot stuff. And of course the first thing I did the next morning was to look him up on facebook, since we were friends from back in October. And, surprise surprise, Cop has a girlfriend. Who is not only his girlfriend but his FIANCEE. I mean, that is just one step away from married and I do not go there.

So no shooting range for me. But I am totally keeping him on the back burner in case I ever need legal advice. Or get busted.

COP STORY #2

This one happened a couple weeks ago. I saw a hot guy at the bar, so I made eye contact and motioned for him to dance with me. (By the way, this is my modus operandi; if I think you are cute, I will let you know. If you come up behind me and start dancing with me, I will start shouting threats to call deportation on your Mexican ass.)

Anyway, I ask him if he goes here, and he says no, he's a cop. We started dancing and I feel a bulge in his pants...no, it's not what you're thinking, it's a friggin gun. Who the hell brings their gun to a college bar? But whatever, I like guns, and he shows me his badge so I know he's legit.

I ask him how old he is, and he says 27.

"Twenty-seven?? What the hell are you doing here? Shouldn't you have a wife and kids somewhere?" I helpfully point out.

He counters by pointing out that I am in fact too young to be at a bar. Guys always say this. You'd think they'd realize that this is a COLLEGE bar, and no one here is actually 21.

But whatever, cops are sexy, and I am SO bringing this one home. On the drive home he lets me play with his gun (bullets out, you know the drill) and I pretend to shoot people out the window. BAM! BAM! Then I hold it up to his head and yell, "This is a carjacking! Take me to my dorm!"

Guns are fun.

Then we go back to my room and proceed to have the Best. Sex. Ever. Clearly this is the difference that an extra 8 or 9 years of practice makes. It is so good that I even vow that I am completely over L. (which is a lie, but more on that later).

I would totally sleep with this guy again in a heartbeat and he says he's going to come back to my college, but as of yet I haven't seen him. I drunk texted him twice then I decided to give it a rest to allow my dignity a chance to resurface. But I'm probably going to text him again this weekend because it is worth sacrificing my dignity for some damn good sex.

EDIT: After writing these stories I was really curious so I had to go look up Cop #1 on facebook. Turns out he's single!  A little more facebook detective work shows that they broke up around the beginning of August. But let's be honest, if you're cheating on your fiancee with teenagers then you're probably not ready to get married.