Thank God for Jerimiah. That song made birthday sex not just socially acceptable, but practically mandatory. And I nailed it, so to speak.
According to Lauren, "All you did for your birthday was have sex and cry." BUT that is not true!! I did a lot of other fun stuff, like throwing my pumpkins out the window, that I am going to tell you all about!!
Thursday night I went out to dinner with my fam plus Cam. When I got back my room was decorated!! There were pink streamers and green balloons to match our color scheme. Plus an excellent sign about black dick. Lauren and Heather and I pregamed:
Check out my party hat!!
Lauren gave me a bottle of Firefly for my birthday and I drank half of it!! Then we dragged in some visiting freshmen that we love and did shots with them and I read everyone their sex astrology signs, from a book that Lauren also gave me (Best. Roommate. Ever.) And explained to everyone why I am a mildly amoral person (I am. I'm slightly immoral too. They mean different things). And so upset about Cambodian sex trafficking that I almost didn't go out.
But I did!! We met up with Michelle and her friends on the bus (Love. Them.) and went to Turtle (obvi). I drank mad shots because it was my birthdayyyy and Lauren got them to announce my birthday on the loudspeaker. Although by then I was too out of it to notice Heather helpfully picked up a black guy for me and we danced for awhile and went to Bentleys. Anddd it was all good until I left Bentley's and went back to Turtle to find everyone...
...and started crying because I miss the guy I lost my virginity to. Who knows, sometimes I just cry.
But that's okay because I had 2 MORE NIGHTS OF BIRTHDAY!!
Cam made me a cute decoration:
I wore this sparkly dress that my little sister brought me from Spain:
We met up with Lauren, Kim, Michelle, Leah, and Rachel at the bar. Kim bought me a shot of bourbon or something. I can't believe I was drinking such hardcore liquor.
I started dancing with this cute guy. I forget his name but he said he was on the baseball team. He was wearing a cross necklace and I had this brilliant idea: I'd pretend to be hardcore Christian so I could get it with him. Guys LOVE hardcore Christians, and we would totally bond! Now, when I say he was wearing a cross, it was like one of those huge blinged-out crosses that gangsters and whiteboys who think they're gangster wear. Nevertheless, after about 15 minutes I instigated my plan:
Me: Are you Catholic!
Him: Um, yeah.
Me: ME TOO!! God is awesome!! Are you confirmed?
Him: Um, yeah.
Me: How many times a week do you go to church?
Him: I gotta go I have a game really early tomorrow.
Christian fail. But that's okay because I ended up meeting the guy I ultimately hooked up with, who I will call Towson Guy. He was a senior at Towson and he and his friends were visiting Maryland for the night. I'm not sure exactly why but we ended up in the Applebee's parking lot waiting for his friends to pick us up. A fat black woman yelled at us for leaning against her car.
Anyway, Towson's friends picked us up and we drove to their apartment. I was pretty out of it and felt like we were driving for hours. When we got there I was like, "What city are we in?" and they're like "Umm, we're at The Towers." (Those are apartments slightly off campus). They were staying at one of the guys' brother's apartment for the night. The guys all started playing Nazi zombies. At first I was like, "Hel-loo what are you doing, I want to have sexxx" but then I got into it because they were shooting Nazis! And Nazis are bad!
After not too long we started to have sex. It was really good sex. I think I am going to develop a rating system for sex, with categories for dick size, length of sex, roughness of sex, general technique, overall hotness of guy, and whether or not we cuddle afterwards. Then I can put their number on my calendar along with their name.
But then the guy whose bed it was came in and wanted to go to bed. Yes, you got that right, someone voluntarily let us have sex on their bed. So we ended up sleeping on a bed with a bare mattress. I went around and rustled up a blanket and pillow for myself, but it wasn't enough to share and was NOT conducive to cuddling. Then in the morning we drove back. So that was my birthday night.
Now let me take a quick break to share with you Cam's night: after Applebees, she got $45 out of the ATM. And left it there. At the bar, she opened TWO bar tabs (upstairs and downstairs), bought everyone shots, and tipped the bartender $50. She came back with one shoe, ordered $50 worth of Chinese food, burned a hole in a bag of popcorn, drunk facebooked the entire world, and sent a guy on her floor a facebook message at 5:30am telling him to "come to her room for a good time." (His response the next day: "Do I know you?") So the next time you feel bad about spending too much money or sending an embarrassing text, you should probably just think about Cam and feel better about yourself.
Anyway, I was hungover alllll day Saturday and was totally not intending on going out. But I mean, it was my birthday weekend so I had to. Cam and Mtz and I pregamed with some guys from her high school and went (where else?) to Turtle. On the way there I accidentally texted A.. When I say accidentally, it wasn't really an accident but I as far as I can tell the only reason I texted him was that his name comes early in my phone.
He texted me back, "Fuck off slut."
Which was just SO mean. So I started crying. And I texted him back something like, "You made me cry. Why are you so mean?"
And he responded, "Seriously? You fucked up my life."
Did I? It's not my fault that he cheated on his girlfriend with me. She was a really sweet girl and he treated her like shit. I later found out that he told her about me over the summer and now she doesn't speak to him anymore. I feel bad for him, but it's called karma and karma is a bitch. (Note: pretty soon I am going to write up a History of Guys I Refer to by Their Initials so I can link to it and everyone will know what the hell I am talking about).
The whole thing kind of put a damper on my night, but I managed to have fun and get drunker anyway. Afterwards we were walking to 7-11 (which with Cam is always bad news because it usually means she's blacked out and wants to buy cigarettes and tacquitos) when I ran into a guy I was dancing with earlier. I was like, "Hey! My roommate is gone, wanna come home with me?" Or something like that. Maybe I used mad game, who knows. I was SO drunk. I definitely face-planted on the way to the bus stop but he was really nice about that.
Then when we got back I was superparanoid and kept thinking there were people hiding in the room. I must have asked him 4 or 5 times if there were people in the room, which of course there weren't. It was such a weird reaction-I hadn't smoked or anything. (I haven't even smoked since the time I ate an entire bag of fat-free potato chips.)
Backstory: I LOVE little pumpkins. You know, the tiny ones you can get at the grocery store. When I was home three weeks before I got 7 or 8 of them and put them on my window sill next to my bed. They're so cute and they make me happy. Sooo I can't really explain why I decided to throw them all out the window. It was really fun to do though. (Lauren made me put the screen down eventually because her biggest fear now is that I will accidentally throw the frogs out the window when I'm drunk)
Then we had sex and it was really good!! He gets extra points for cuddling and compatibility sleeping together. He was really tall: 6'5! But that's good because I think I sleep better with tall people. Plus my bed is more comfortable in general than the average guys bed. We woke up in the morning and I was sad for a little because all my pumpkins were gone. Also I remembered the mean text A. send me and I was sad about that too. But then we had morning sex and it was all good.
He asked me to walk him out and I did (because I am chivalrous) and he got my number BUT I have this secret fear of accidentally giving out the wrong number and I didn't get his number or last name. I don't even know where he goes to school, just that it's somewhere in Louisiana, so I have zero possibility of finding him on facebook. Normally I would be more savvy about collecting stalker information, but I was drunk when I woke up (although I didn't realize that right away) so I was off my game. Boo.
Oh well, it was a mad successful weekend and I got it in multiple times. Plus now I'm 19 and I can buy cigarettes in New Jersey!
Me: Are you Catholic!
Him: Um, yeah.
Me: ME TOO!! God is awesome!! Are you confirmed?
Him: Um, yeah.
Me: How many times a week do you go to church?
Him: I gotta go I have a game really early tomorrow.
Christian fail. But that's okay because I ended up meeting the guy I ultimately hooked up with, who I will call Towson Guy. He was a senior at Towson and he and his friends were visiting Maryland for the night. I'm not sure exactly why but we ended up in the Applebee's parking lot waiting for his friends to pick us up. A fat black woman yelled at us for leaning against her car.
Anyway, Towson's friends picked us up and we drove to their apartment. I was pretty out of it and felt like we were driving for hours. When we got there I was like, "What city are we in?" and they're like "Umm, we're at The Towers." (Those are apartments slightly off campus). They were staying at one of the guys' brother's apartment for the night. The guys all started playing Nazi zombies. At first I was like, "Hel-loo what are you doing, I want to have sexxx" but then I got into it because they were shooting Nazis! And Nazis are bad!
After not too long we started to have sex. It was really good sex. I think I am going to develop a rating system for sex, with categories for dick size, length of sex, roughness of sex, general technique, overall hotness of guy, and whether or not we cuddle afterwards. Then I can put their number on my calendar along with their name.
But then the guy whose bed it was came in and wanted to go to bed. Yes, you got that right, someone voluntarily let us have sex on their bed. So we ended up sleeping on a bed with a bare mattress. I went around and rustled up a blanket and pillow for myself, but it wasn't enough to share and was NOT conducive to cuddling. Then in the morning we drove back. So that was my birthday night.
Now let me take a quick break to share with you Cam's night: after Applebees, she got $45 out of the ATM. And left it there. At the bar, she opened TWO bar tabs (upstairs and downstairs), bought everyone shots, and tipped the bartender $50. She came back with one shoe, ordered $50 worth of Chinese food, burned a hole in a bag of popcorn, drunk facebooked the entire world, and sent a guy on her floor a facebook message at 5:30am telling him to "come to her room for a good time." (His response the next day: "Do I know you?") So the next time you feel bad about spending too much money or sending an embarrassing text, you should probably just think about Cam and feel better about yourself.
Anyway, I was hungover alllll day Saturday and was totally not intending on going out. But I mean, it was my birthday weekend so I had to. Cam and Mtz and I pregamed with some guys from her high school and went (where else?) to Turtle. On the way there I accidentally texted A.. When I say accidentally, it wasn't really an accident but I as far as I can tell the only reason I texted him was that his name comes early in my phone.
He texted me back, "Fuck off slut."
Which was just SO mean. So I started crying. And I texted him back something like, "You made me cry. Why are you so mean?"
And he responded, "Seriously? You fucked up my life."
Did I? It's not my fault that he cheated on his girlfriend with me. She was a really sweet girl and he treated her like shit. I later found out that he told her about me over the summer and now she doesn't speak to him anymore. I feel bad for him, but it's called karma and karma is a bitch. (Note: pretty soon I am going to write up a History of Guys I Refer to by Their Initials so I can link to it and everyone will know what the hell I am talking about).
The whole thing kind of put a damper on my night, but I managed to have fun and get drunker anyway. Afterwards we were walking to 7-11 (which with Cam is always bad news because it usually means she's blacked out and wants to buy cigarettes and tacquitos) when I ran into a guy I was dancing with earlier. I was like, "Hey! My roommate is gone, wanna come home with me?" Or something like that. Maybe I used mad game, who knows. I was SO drunk. I definitely face-planted on the way to the bus stop but he was really nice about that.
Then when we got back I was superparanoid and kept thinking there were people hiding in the room. I must have asked him 4 or 5 times if there were people in the room, which of course there weren't. It was such a weird reaction-I hadn't smoked or anything. (I haven't even smoked since the time I ate an entire bag of fat-free potato chips.)
Backstory: I LOVE little pumpkins. You know, the tiny ones you can get at the grocery store. When I was home three weeks before I got 7 or 8 of them and put them on my window sill next to my bed. They're so cute and they make me happy. Sooo I can't really explain why I decided to throw them all out the window. It was really fun to do though. (Lauren made me put the screen down eventually because her biggest fear now is that I will accidentally throw the frogs out the window when I'm drunk)
Then we had sex and it was really good!! He gets extra points for cuddling and compatibility sleeping together. He was really tall: 6'5! But that's good because I think I sleep better with tall people. Plus my bed is more comfortable in general than the average guys bed. We woke up in the morning and I was sad for a little because all my pumpkins were gone. Also I remembered the mean text A. send me and I was sad about that too. But then we had morning sex and it was all good.
He asked me to walk him out and I did (because I am chivalrous) and he got my number BUT I have this secret fear of accidentally giving out the wrong number and I didn't get his number or last name. I don't even know where he goes to school, just that it's somewhere in Louisiana, so I have zero possibility of finding him on facebook. Normally I would be more savvy about collecting stalker information, but I was drunk when I woke up (although I didn't realize that right away) so I was off my game. Boo.
Oh well, it was a mad successful weekend and I got it in multiple times. Plus now I'm 19 and I can buy cigarettes in New Jersey!
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