Shannon Ruins Parents Weekend

New low reached: asking for directions on my walk of shame. While wearing a giant T-shirt. And barefoot.

But it's all okay because the sex was really good.

Anyway let me back up. Everyone had midterms over the past couple weeks, and a lot of people (including me) had gone home the previous weekend, so a lot of people (not including me haha) hadn't drank in awhile. Clearly we needed to make up for lost time. In the words of Caitlin's Big, we were "headed to blackout city."

Cam, Lauren, Kim and I started off pre-pregaming and getting ready in our room. Then we went to South Campus to pregame and get ready more with Caitlin and her Big. Then we went to Leonardtown to pregame some more. (Can you see why my nights turn out like they do?)

While I was there, I ate 5 dill pickles (no carbs!!) Then I showed everyone my boobs. What can I say, they get all lonely and restless when they're cooped up too much.


Next thing I remember I was at Turtle and hooking up with this guy who apparently plays lacrosse here. He was really hot, IMO. He went to the bar to buy us shots when I realized: my Coach id case was open. ALL my shit was gone. I started scouring around like a Doberman trying to find my stuff. Lax Guy came back with the shots and found me nose to the floor. I explained my predicament. He was like, "well, it's already gone, you might as well have a good time." Which was very good logic. So I did...


...and by 1:30 he wanted to leave. Which was way early, but I mean we were obviously going to hook up and it wasn't as though more dancing was going to make my hair and makeup look any better. So we walked back to his house somewhere off campus.


Upon reflection, I've decided that the pre-sex walk is one of my favorite parts of the hook up. Clearly we're going home together, the guy is stuck with me, and now that music is no longer blaring he has no choice but to listen to all the stupid shit that comes out of my mouth. On this particular occasion, it was a monologue on Why I Am Afraid Of Horses (it boils down to I think they might fall over and sit on me) that may have segued into a discussion of Why I Am Afraid of Skiing (you could fall over and get your feet stuck and stab yourself with a pole).


Me: "...and then we had to ride up a MOUNTAIN in the MUD and I started to cry because WHAT IF THE HORSE FELL OVER!?"
Him: "You have a cute little girl voice."

Anyway we got back to his room (he lived in a house with 4 or 5 other guys) and we realized that my leg was bleeding. So he cleaned me up and put a band-aid on me. That is the mark of a nice guy, in my opinion. We also started talking and I found out that he went to Cam's high school, and had graduated the year before us. Then we suggested that we go hook up in his housemate's bed, because it was bigger. Which is pretty much a shitty thing to do in my opinion, but whatever, it's not like it affected me.


So we proceeded to have Really Good sex. It's too bad I was too drunk to remember the specifics, but I remember thinking to myself, "Wow, this is really good sex."


After we were done he went downstairs for a minute, and I wrapped myself up in the comforter and hid. Don't ask me why, I was really drunk okay?


Him: Um, why are you hiding?
Me: I'm scared!


Haha he was SO nice to me considering I was acting like a 6 year old. Between that, the horse story, and the band-aid he must have thought he was babysitting. Then we went back to his bed and went to sleep.


We woke up around 7:30 and had sex again. This leads me to a question:


POLL: When you're having a one-night stand, what time should you leave in the morning? If you have sex again in the morning, should you leave right after? What if it's way earlier than you'd normally wake up?


When the guy is coming back with me this is a moot point because I'll generally kick him out immediately so I can get some quality sleep. It's trickier when I'm the one staying over though. I don't want to overstay my welcome, so to speak, but I also don't feel like walking 30 minutes when the sun is barely up. In general I feel like 10 am is a good time to leave, so that's what I did. 

Lax Guy didn't have a car so I had to walk. I asked if I could wear his t-shirt that I had worn to sleep in and he was like, "Yes...but let me get you a different one. That one has my name on it." 

(Seriously, how funny would it have been if I had walked down the street wearing a shirt with the name of the guy I had just hooked up with on the back?)


So I walked outside and immediately realized that I had no idea where I was. I was surrounded by houses and I recognize the street names, but I had no idea which direction I had to go to get back to campus. I tried to get back inside, but the door was locked. Shit.


Fortunately, I saw a guy walking near me. I called out, "Umm, hey, do you know which direction the campus is in?" He looked at me and burst out laughing. I was wearing a white skirt, giant white t-shirt, my hair and makeup were messed up, and I was carrying my heels, shirt, and stuff. But he pointed me in the right direction and off I went.


Crossing Route 1 was a nightmare. Every single freaking car stopped, honked, and yelled out the window to ask if I had a good night. Perhaps the white t-shirt wasn't such a good idea. This brings me to another question:


POLL: When doing a walk of shame, is it better to wear your own shirt or a guy's t-shirt? I've always gone for the big t-shirt, but I'm starting to think that it's almost worse because it is so obvious that you just hooked up with someone. I mean, in theory a t-shirt is less subtle than, say, a sequined halter top, but when it's so big that you have to knot it at the waist you might as well wear a sandwich board that says "I JUST GOT FUCKED."


Anyway I picked my way gingerly across the road (because I was barefoot), debated stopping at Smoothie King for a low-carb smoothie but then realized that it wasn't worth extending my moment of shame, and finally got back onto campus.


At which point I realized it was Parent's Weekend. I cannot tell you how many Asian families were giving me disapproving looks. I just wanted to shout, "This will be your daughter someday!"


Then, because I wasn't wearing any shoes, I stubbed my toe and started to bleed everywhere. Then it started to rain. So all in all this was not one of my better walks of shame, I would say.


When I finally got back to the dorm, I put on my detective cap and got cracking on some mad creeping. I texted Cam (who had spent the night cuddling at Ben's haha, and it's too bad I didn't know that or we could have synchronized our walks of shame) and found out that, yes, she knew Lax Guy, and that he was a huge man whore who had hooked up with half of her friends. That's okay though, I LIKE man whores because they know what they're doing.


I also googled his name and he wasn't on our school's lacrosse roster for 2009. But his name did come up on the lacrosse roster for his county's community college (Cam said he was really dumb) so it's possible that he's playing lacrosse here in the spring. Either way I don't really care; it's just irritating if he'd lied about it because he was hot enough not to need to. Oh well.


UPDATE: It's 8 days later and I'm going through my Hook Up Calendar (I started tracking them on a calendar so in case I ever get pregnant I can figure out whose it is) to figure out who is the best candidate for repeat sex. (I've got to hit some repeats or else my numbers will get to high.) And Lax Guy is looking like the best contender right now: the sex was good, I have his number, I haven't pissed him off significantly yet. Sooo we'll see how that goes, you know I'll let you guys know!!